## Asked that girl what she wanted to be ##
## and she said, baby, can't you see? ##
## I wanna be the famous, a star of the screen ##
## but you can do ##
## something in between ##
## baby, you can drive my car ##
## yes, I知 gonna be a star ##
## baby, you can drive my car ##
## and baby, I love you ##
## I told that girl that my prospects were good ##
## and she said, baby, it's understood ##
## working for peanuts is all very fine ##
## but I can show you a better time ##
## baby, you can drive my car ##
## yes, I知 gonna be a star ##
## baby, you can drive my car ##
## and baby, I love you ##
## beep beep beep beep yeah ##
## beep beep beep beep yeah! ##
Remember, the driver must always see the big picture.
When driving through puddLes or in heavy rain,
your tires may begin to hydroplane...
actually ride on the water rather than the pavement.
If this happens to you, don't panic
and especially don't jam on your brakes.
In this actual scientific demonstration,
we see that in as little as a quarter inch of water
your tires may lose contact with the surface completely.
Does your brother have mono or something?
- He slept through the entire course. - No.
He's just brain-dead.
Mr. Anderson.
It's punks like you that paramedics
end up scraping off the road at 4:00 in the morning.
For your sake and the safety of others,
I hope you fail your driving exam.
Wait up!
Wait up! My bus!
You know, dean, I can't help wondering,
is it ever gonna get that good for me?
Anderson, the only difference between you and that greaseball
is that he has a license, and you don't.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Scumbag!
Get on it. I'll drive you home.
No way, man. I have a driver's exam to take Saturday.
- I don't want to get killed. - Les.
Your license is just as important to me as it is to you.
I'll take it easy.
Trust me.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
Watch out, watch out!
Dean! Dean!
- I'll get you, you little prick! - Dean!
- Hee-hee-hee-hee! - Whoa!
Here you go!
Front-door service!
- Great. Thanks. - Wow!
Whose caddy?
It's my grandfather's. 16 years old, man,
and it only has 20,000 miLes on it.
Wow!
- What's it doing here? - My granddad's afraid to take it on long trips,
so he borrowed my dad's car for a week.
Do you know this boat would kick ass
up at archies?
Do you think there's any chance we can get it Saturday night?
- Not a chance in hell. - No way.
- Hey, dad, what's up? - I'm just cleaning out the garage,
making some room for the old boat. What do you think?
- As long as you're here, you want to give us a hand? - Hey, Deano!
I'd love to, Mr. Anderson, but I just remembered...
I'm allergic to dust and cardboard boxes
I gotta go. See you tonight, Les!
- See you tonight, Deano. - Take care of that cough, dean.
- Dad? - Yeah.
Do you think there's any way you can tell me
if I can borrow mom's car Saturday night?
Here's the deal, Les. First get your license, then we'll talk.
Natalie!
What nice happened to who today?
What interesting news?
For your information, this is exactly what I ate
when I was pregnant with all of you. You turned out okay.
- Dad? - Yep?
Did you, um, look at the brochure I gave you?
- You bet. - What did you think?
Well, a $23,000 BMW
for a 16-year-old kid who's never had a job a day in his life?
I think it's a great idea.
But dad, the car wouldn't only be for me.
I mean, she can use it too!
Don't include me in your obsessions.
Les, isn't it premature to be talking about getting a car?
You just finished your driver's ed course two hours ago.
Karl says that in America, people are mislead to believe
- that a car represents freedom and individuality... - right.
When in essence, it is more oppressive than anything else.
Burdening the individual with such materialistic cost...
wait, who cares what your commie boyfriend thinks?
- I see it's great to be an American. - I agree.
Yes!
This is the most oppressive environment a child can be raised in.
Natalie, one day soon, it will all be over.
You'll go away.
All right, I知 out of here.
Hey, buddy, down!
Yo, let's go!
Les, come on, get your butt down here!
Les!
Get down here, Les!
- Get out! - Out!
Right. I'll see you later.
## Sweet, sweet surrender... ##
- mom... - what are you doing?
Duck down! Duck down!
Mom, mom! No, don't stop here.
- Go, go! - Is something wrong with the car, dean?
No, it's not the car, it's you.
- You're driving. Please, just go. - All right.
- Thanks, mom. Drive safely. - Boy: Hey, dweebs!
Does mommy hold your dicks when you piss?
Sorry, mom, I didn't introduce you. Those are my friends.
- Oh. Good night - good night, mom.
## When your life meets mine ##
## you reach way down inside... ##
thanks, mom.
Good night, honey.
- Ignore. - Bye, mom!
- Be careful! - Hey, guys!
Hey, guys! Where are you going?
Guys! Hey, guys, it's me, CharLes!
Oh, baby!
Hey, do you ever wonder what kind of car
some of these babes would lose their virginity in?
You never cease to amaze me, Deano.
No, seriously. Okay,
look at Sheryl Lieberman.
A V.W. Convertible.
Sheryl Lieberman? Trans am.
- Beth Macclain. - A Volvo. No, wait.
A station wagon.
Okay, I got one for you. Bonnie duper.
- A cargo van. - A garbage truck!
Mercedes.
Mercedes lane.
I've bumped into her a million times.
She's never bumped into me once.
- Come with me. - No, listen, you don't own me.
Women have rights in this country.
Not like Kuwait or Pakistan where they worship their men.
Mercedes, it has nothing to do with worship.
It has to do with going to parties with kids!
I happen to go to school with these kids.
- I have friends here. - Friends, yes. Friends, okay.
But these are children. They can do nothing for you.
Mercedes, I知 beginning to...
perspire.
You know that I hate to perspire.
Now let us go.
I think I can find my own way home,
- thank you. - Don't do this, Mercedes.
And Paolo, if you're wondering about Saturday night,
I just remembered I already have a date.
You have a date? With who?
- With him. - With me?
Didn't we make arrangements?
Yeah, I... I believe so.
But nothing was final.
Well, now they're final.
Ciao!
Hey, watch it!
Thanks.
Les, I have the answer.
What don't you just ask her, to make sure?
I'd love to, CharLes, but I can't talk to something I can't see, right?
Last night was the closest any of us have ever been to her.
Well, you're in luck, loverboy,
'cause she's sitting down right over there.
- Wait, wait, dean. I can't do it, man! - Go on, ask her.
If you're lucky, she'll bite.
Dean: Go for it!
Les!
Les.
Les?
Les, it's me, papa!
Les, wait up!
Where are you going? Les?
What's the matter? Is there something wrong with having a father?
Dad, what are you doing here?
I had to run some errands for your mom after work
and I thought I壇 stop by and take you driving.
I figure, if you can handle this cruiser you can handle anything.
- What about grandpa? - What about grandpa?
- Who knows what he's doing with my car. Get in. - Yeah!
- Dad, here comes a stop sign. - Nice call.
That was a good one.
Why don't we make a right turn right here?
- What? - I have to ask you a favour,
and you could say no.
But I will never, ever ask you for another favour as long as I live.
Les, you know that's a lie.
Okay, see that girl over there walking?
Dad!
That is the girl of my dreams.
Okay, okay.
- Let's give her a cruise! - Dad.
Dad, shh! Look,
- she just asked me out last night, dad. - Yeah?
Now, if I drove by her
with you in the car with me...
no offence, it just wouldn't work. You understand?
You're asking me to let you drive this car alone without a license.
- Are you crazy?! - I'm just gonna go up to her,
circle around, maybe say hello to her and come right back.
Two minutes! I'll be careful, dad.
- Sure. - Thanks.
- Be careful. - I will, I promise.
- I trust you. - Thanks, dad.
- Oh and, dad, dad! - Yeah?
Would you mind?
Mercedes!
Mercedes? Les Anderson, from the party
last night.
Oh. Oh, hi!
I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you.
Hop in, I値l give you a lift.
Sure.
Hold on!
After you, Madame.
Okay, so, which house is yours?
- Third one on the left. - Okay...
but, I知 not going home.
Where are you going?
To a friend's house, in Cedarwood.
You don't mind, so you?
Not at all.
Les?
Les?!
Les!
- Thanks a lot. - Wait, wait!
Mercedes!
Last night at the party,
you kind of mentioned something about
me and you maybe going out Saturday night.
Anyway, I was just
wondering if it was still on.
Sure. Call me tomorrow.
Let me give you my number in case something comes up.
- Oh, here. Write it on this. - Great.
Thanks a lot for the ride, Les.
Yeah, no problem.
How could you do it, Les?
What were you thinking about?
I don't believe it. I mean...
not only did you break your explicit promise to me,
but you used up your last favour.
I suppose you know where this leaves you, don't you?
- Not in good shape? - That's right.
Look, dad, just let me explain it to you, okay?
She told me she lived three houses down.
I thought I was taking her home.
Why didn't you tell her the truth?
Tell Mercedes lane the truth,
- that Les Anderson doesn't have a license? - Yes.
And risk her having a heart attack from laughing so hard at me?
Her? Her having a heart attack?
Look, dad, please put yourself in my shoes.
Look, you're upsetting your mother.
She's pregnant, you know?
Do you understand what happens
if you get caught driving without a license?
They make you wait two years before you can take the test again.
That's 24 months. That's an awful lot of bus rides.
Relax, Deano. I didn't get caught.
And you would have done the exact same thing that I did.
Now, did you guys come over here to ask me some questions, or what?
All right, here's one:
"How can you identify a blind pedestrian
to whom you must yield the right of way?"
This is a complete waste of time.
It's not like you just moved here from bedrock or something.
You've been a passenger in a car all your life.
And what is this shit?
Natalie!
Hey, Natalie, I was wondering,
if you're driving 55 miLes per hour
and you collide with a runaway train,
would it make any improvements on your face?
Good luck on your exam tomorrow, Einstein!
Good afternoon, children!
In the next 20 minutes, you will be given 30 questions.
Anything over five mistakes
will be considered a failing grade.
We'll begin at the sound of the bell.
Begin.
Welcome to the department of motor vehicLes driver's test.
Press start to begin.
Question one: What should you do
if you miss your exit from an expressway?
Jam on the breaks and back up;
b: Make a quick u-turn.
Go on to the next one. Correct.
- Ha! - Question two:
Which is usually the smoothest lane of traffic?
Why don't they just give licenses away?
- Incorrect. - What?
Question three: You must look for bicycle riders
in the same lanes used by motor vehicLes, because they...
a: Must ride facing oncoming traffic;
b: Are entitled to share the road with you;
c: Always have the right of way.
Incorrect.
When driving through fog or rain, it is advisable...
...c: Stop.
Incorrect.
Warning, one more wrong and you fail!
Finished!
Question 26.
At 55 miLes per hour you come upon a large puddle of water.
Do you a: Pump the brakes;
b: Gently ease your foot off the gas pedal;
c: Accelerate?
Incorrect. You have failed!
- Damn! - Oh man!
- What happened? - I lost my screen.
Someone pull the plug or something?
Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson!
Mr. Anderson. Oh, Mr. Anderson.
You can thank your sister for this one.
- I can? - Uh-huh.
Due to a computer malfunction,
we are unable to search the system's memory
for your test results.
However, since your sister received a perfect score,
we are going to pass you
and allow you to take your road test.
I mean, how different can you
and your twin sister actually be?
- What about me? - Wait a minute, stand back.
Don't crowd me. I'm a living time bomb
- okay. - Hi.
Last name first, first name last.
Anderson. Les Anderson.
Buckle up, son! It's the real world out here!
Anderson?
I want you to take a long,
hard look at this cup of coffee.
I love my coffee.
It's probably the one thing I truly cherish
on this godforsaken mudball called earth.
What I知 trying to say
is that most examiners use a clipboard.
I don't believe in them.
What i do believe in is my cup of coffee.
Now that coffee's hot, filled right to the brim.
If it spilled on me, it's probably burn me, huh?
- Speak up, son! - Yeah, yeah.
- Nobody likes to get burned, do they? - No.
So it's real simple. You burn me
you fail.
You don't, you pass.
It's as simple as that.
All right, Anderson.
Let's start off with some light traffic.
Now I want you to get over in that lane.
Now.
Very good, Natalie.
Now, why don't you head up to the left here?
Let's see how you handle this hill.
Very good.
Anderson, let's pull to a stop
- right here. - Here?
What the heck's wrong with him?
Every time I come up this road there's some idiot kid.
- Come on, you moron! - What are you waiting for, Christmas?
Ought to have a truck to get that thing moving.
Ha ha!
Okay, Natalie, I壇 like you to stop right next to this car here.
Good.
Now why don't you parallel park right here?
Very, very, very good!
Anderson, I want you to make a parallel park right in here.
- In there? - What am I speaking, Greek? In here.
Ha!
Congratulations. Here's your license.
- Please, drive safely. - Thanks.
- Good morning. How are you? - Lousy!
I got it! I got it!
Slow down!
You're in luck, Anderson.
The cup...
was empty.
See you on the battlefield sometime, soldier.
Congratulations. Here's your license.
And please, drive safely.
Mr. Anderson. Just a minute.
Someone wants to speak with you.
Well, Mr. Anderson,
we were able to retrieve
your test results from the computer.
And I suppose you already know you failed.
God giveth
and the D.M.V. Take away.
You mustn't fuck
with the department of vehicLes, Mr. Anderson.
We can make your life a living hell.
- Hi! - Hi, we're home!
Where is everybody?
- Please, we'll keep the plastic on... - yeah... no...
- Mom? Dad? - Yeah, in here. Shh.
Mom? Dad? Hi.
Yeah, hi, sport. What's the good word?
Um...
I have to tell you guys something.
Oh no, you put a dent in the car already?
What is it, honey?
Um...
- I... - What?
What?
## I'm a free man! ##
- wow! Yeah! - Yes!
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
So tell me, was it murder? Was it tough?
Not at all, dad. It was like taking candy from a baby.
Great. Look,
I filled your mom's car up with some gas
just in case you felt like taking it for a little spin.
- How sweet. - Well, dad.
I was kind of thinking about going to my room and taking a little nap.
- I'm exhausted. - Honey, what is wrong with you?
- Say "ah!" - Mom, come on, what could be wrong with me?
- It's the greatest day of my life! - I know.
So why don't you take advantage of your father's senility
- and take my car for a spin? - Go ahead.
I don't know if you guys remember or not,
but 16 years of waiting and dreaming
is a lot of pressure. And I知 not sure
that being behind the wheel of a car
is the right place for me to be right now.
Hello?
Did you hear that? You did it, man. How does it feel?
Dean, what's going on?
Hold on a second. I'm looking for my car keys.
Found them right here, next to my Card.
Great. Now come over and pick us up.
- Uh, I can't. - Of course, you can.
You can do anything, Les. You have a license.
What? See that, dean, my mom's calling.
They're already asking me to run errands. I have to go. Goodbye!
"Test failed"?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Robert!
## Trouble ##
## trouble ##
all right, Mercedes! Ha-ha. Yeah!
Well, you know... lower it, it's ringing.
Come here.
Hello?
Rudy, mom's got brownies in the kitchen.
- Go! Hurry, quick! - But...
- dad, what do you need? - Les, my boy.
We're drinking a toast to you.
Mercedes: Hello? Hello?
Hello?!
Dad, that's really thoughtful of you,
but I shouldn't be drinking and driving.
I know that, Les. I know that.
- Have a drink. - But I...
you just saved me $26,000.
- What? - First raise your glass
to saving me 26,000 buckaronis.
How did I do that, dad?
Simple. 23,000 for the BMW,
3,000 for the insurance.
- I don't get it. - No?
- No. - Get it?
He failed?
He failed and he lied.
Look, dad,
I figured that I can get through the weekend
and then take it over Monday, you know?
I know what you figured.
Listen, you're grounded for two weeks.
It's not the end of the world.
Feels like it.
- Good evening, Karl. - Good evening, Mrs. Anderson.
- Is Natasha at home? - She'll be down in a second.
- How are you feeling? - Fine. Fine.
- Fine, thank you. - I admire you.
I really admire you for having the courage
to bring a child into this oppressive world.
- And let me just... - Natalie!
Natasha, we're going to a protest.
Do we have to take your mother's
imperialist gas guzzler?
Would you rather take my grandfather's Cadillac?
- Hello? - Hi, is Les in, please?
- Yeah, this is Les. - Hi, this is Mercedes.
Do you remember me?
Remember you? Yes, of course. Hi, how are you?
Actually, I知 a little lonely.
I thought that we had a date tonight,
and I figured I壇 call you since you hadn't called me.
Oh, um, well, I...
I was out all day. I was deep-sea fishing.
So you haven't changed your mind about tonight, have you?
Tonight? Now?
- No. - Great.
So you can pick me up in 20 minutes?
- Les? - Hang on.
An innocent girl,
a harmLess drive.
What could possibly go wrong?
Mercedes?
I'll be there in half an hour.
Oh man!
No! No! No!
No, not the bushes!
God!
Oh! Ah!
Sh... -
Ow! Ow!
Hmm. Hmm?
Don't worry, it was nothing. Go back to sleep.
Mmm... that's nice.
Let's go.
## 'cause you spell trouble ##
## trouble ##
## I tried to please you, but I知 wasting my time ##
## you're nothing but trouble ##
## trouble ##
## trouble, baby ##
## trouble. ##
- Thank you. - Take good care of my car, pal.
Yes, sir.
Come on, man, open up!
- Let's go! - Open the door, Les.
Did you see that? If I let him park my car
he'll ruin my transmission. No way!
Hey, what about my tip?
Here we are.
Wait, we can't park here. It's a tow-away zone.
On a Saturday night?
You're acting like it's the first time you've ever driven.
- Hey, baby. - Hi.
- Whoa, whoa! Where are you going? - I'm with her.
You wouldn't be with her if she was your Siamese twin!
- Lose yourself, kid. - Mercedes!
Hi!
- It's nice to see you. - Hi.
Damn it!
- Paolo? - Mercedes.
What a lovely surprise it is to see you.
- I have to talk to you. - By the way, this is Veronique.
She's going to be moving in with me.
Is this the one you told me about?
Would you like a drink? Give her a drink.
- What are you having? - Nothing.
Mercedes! Hey, are you okay?
Oh my god. My car!
Whoa! Jesus!
Wait, wait! Wait! Hold up!
Get off my truck, boy!
Look, mister, you can't do this to my car!
Boy, I致e driven with deer, antelope,
even bears strapped to that bumper.
Ain't no 65-lb. Sack of flyshit
like you gonna shake me a hell a difference.
I'll pay you. I'll give you everything I got!
Aah!
Just how much you talking about?
Please, sir, be gentle.
For 80 bucks?!
80 bucks!
Would you like some champagne?
- It might help. - No, thanks.
I already had some tonight.
I'm really sorry about the car.
- I feel like it was all my fault. - Don't be silly.
I should have given the car to the valet in the first place.
I'm sorry about your friend.
He was a jerk anyways. I don't know why I even hung around him.
- Let's get out of here. - And go where?
With the amount of money I have in my pocket
we have two choices.
We can either sit in front a parking meter for 20 minutes,
or go buy ourselves a newspaper.
Let me tell you. I know a quiet spot
with plenty of free parking.
Are you sure there's a road here?
Thank god.
Hey, it's amazing up here.
How did you ever find this place?
Someone I know used to take me here.
Not a boyfriend.
My father used to take me here
to show me how beautiful the world could be
if you could step away and see it at a distance.
- I haven't been here in a long time. - No, no, no.
Not on the car. I mean, I値l get you a blanket.
- You sure come prepared. - Like a boy scout.
- Les? - Yes?
I'm sorry I dragged you into all this.
- I don't usually act like this. - No, it's okay.
I don't mind.
Here you go.
- I'm really glad I called you tonight. - Yeah?
I'm... I知 really glad too.
All we're missing now is some soft romantic music.
Hold on.
Oh man.
Oh great. Grandpa's top 10!
Wait... aren't you drinking rather heavily?
## Strangers in the night ##
- ## exchanging glances... ## - do you want to dance?
- ## Wandering in the night... ## - to this?
- Uh, yeah. Where? - Right up here.
You couldn't pray for a more romantic setting.
Yeah, I guess so.
## Something in your eyes ##
## was so inviting ##
## something in your smile ##
## was so exciting... ##
- maybe I should take my shoes off. - Yeah.
Good idea.
## Strangers in the night ##
## two lonely people ##
## we were strangers in the night ##
## up to the moment ##
## when we said our first hello ##
## little did we know ##
## love was just a glance away ##
## a warm, embracing dance away... ##
Get up! Get off! Get off the car!
- What's the matter, Les? - The hood, it's caving in. Get off quick!
Little Les, I love this song.
Then you definitely had too much to drink. Come on, get off.
Oh wow! Stay here.
Come on, get in.
- Oh! - Shh.
We've got to get this thing fixed. Slide over.
Mercedes, please.
You have such baby-soft skin.
## Ever since that night ##
## we've been together... ##
Don't worry about the noise, man. My parents are vampires.
And I値l tell you something. You have balls.
You definitely have balls for snagging this car.
I'm impressed.
All right, Les. Let's see the license.
No way. Forget it, guys. It's ugly.
Of course it is. Big deal.
- Come on, Les. - No way!
- Let me take a picture of it. - Forget it.
Don't you think he should let me take a picture of it?
- Okay. CharLes, okay. - All right.
- Say "cheese"! - Cheese.
Great.
Well, take a look, Les. What do you think?
- Excellent work, dean. - Thanks.
This is spectacular!
You saved me, man. Thanks.
So, I guess we can go to archies now?
Look, Deano, pal, I promise you,
next weekend, yeah, fine, okay.
We can go to archies. But not tonight.
Mercedes doesn't have to be home for a couple hours.
Les, let me explain something to you.
UnLess you're into some intense kinky shit...
and you never know after tonight,
this Mercedes has a dead battery.
Les, we're talking about archies atomic here.
You can't get there without a license.
It's in the middle of nowhere.
No busses, no trains, no planes.
Only the slickest, most intense driving machines
you've ever seen in your life.
I have the directions my brother gave me in my back pocket.
You won't regret this. There's five girls for every guy.
And we're not talking dogs, we're talking bunnies.
Dean, did you wipe your feet off?
Yes, I wiped the concrete off my feet.
Hey, CharLes, push in the lighter.
I got a surprise for everybody.
No way. Not in here. Huh-uh.
What's the matter with you, Les? This is a car,
it's not an oxygen tent.
Dean, if there's any evidence at all that I took this car
my dad's gonna slaughter me first and ask questions later, okay?
Stop it!
Hey, Les, this is great and all,
but could take the car out of neutral?
We just got passed by a street-sweeper.
Hey, girls, whose car you driving, grandma's?
Come on, race him.
Let's mess with the faggots, man.
Wait, get that...
Go!
Les, what's the matter with you?
Are you 16 or 60?
You could have given those gear heads a run for their money.
Dean this is my grandfather's car.
Give me a car that I知 not genetically related to,
I promise things will change, okay?
- Honey. - Okay, okay, okay!
Okay, I知 counting. Do your breathing.
okay.
Is it hot in here?
Is it hot or is it just me?
- It's hot? - It's like a sauna in here.
Want me to go down to the garage and turn on the air conditioning?
No, that's okay. I like to just sit here and sweat.
I'll turn on the air conditioning.
Hey, Robert?
Robert?!
- Yes? - I'm not hot anymore. I'm hungry.
Will you make me a sandwich, please?
- Okay, honey. - Sardines and pickLes, okay?
## Saturday night is the loneliest night ##
## of the week ##
## 'cause that's the night that my sweetie and I ##
## used to dance cheek to cheek ##
## I don't mind Sunday night at all ##
## 'cause that's the night friends come to call ##
## and Monday through Friday痴 a gas ##
## and another week goes past ##
## but Saturday night ##
## is the loneliest night of the week ##
## I sing the song ##
## that I sang for the memories... ##
- you asshole, do up her shirt. - No way.
Forget about it. I mean, look at us.
We're three wild animals bombing down the highway
with the cruise control set to 55 m. p.h.
I don't need a ticket on my first night out.
God damn it, stop that!
What is this crap we're listening to?
My parents don't even listen to this!
- Give me that camera! - No!
God damn it, dean, it's not your camera.
- Give me the camera. Give me it! - No! No!
- Give me it! - No!
- Jesus! - Watch out!
Oh, we're gonna die!
- I told you this was gonna happen. - Shit!
- Les, stop the car! - Uh-oh.
I think I知 gonna throw up.
- Get her out of the car, quick! - Help! Help!
Help! Get her off of me!
- Not in the car, please! - I'm trapped!
Les, I apologize for everything,
but that ride was definitely worth the price of admission.
That makes up for a whole life of boredom.
There's a scratch on my car.
Where?
Right there. Right here, there's a big old scratch.
- Hold on, let me see. - My dad'll murder me. Look at this!
- There is no scratch. - There is a scratch here.
A tiny little scratch. Your dad is not going to see that scratch.
Your dad's a 40-year-old guy who wears glasses.
Not an eagle, okay? Now listen to me.
We are two seconds away from archies. Do you understand?
You listen to me. Two seconds or not two seconds.
Watch my lips. We're not going to archies.
We're not driving in my grandfather's Cadillac anymore.
We are in fact going home, okay?
- No, it's not okay! - You don't look too good.
We cannot turn around now.
We'd better get you a soda.
You have worked really hard
for that license in your wallet.
You've had 16 years of humiliation,
begging for lifts from people
who couldn't give a shit about your image.
Les, you've had to stand and watch
as all the pretty girls drove off in some older jerk's car.
Humiliation... I know, I致e been through it!
But that's all over now.
Les, that thing in your wallet,
that's no ordinary piece of paper.
That is a driver's license!
It is not only a driver's license,
it's an automobile license!
And it's not only an automobile license,
it is a license to live,
a license to be free, to go wherever, whenever,
and with whomever you choose.
Archies, man. Let's do it.
- Deano, I don't know. - Les,
to live in fear
is not to live at all.
What about Mercedes?
I don't think this is such a good idea.
Of course it's a good idea.
In half an hour, there's gonna be babes all over us.
She'll kill it for us.
Wow, did you ever imagine in all your life
that you would see a Mercedes fit inside the trunk of a Cadillac?
Look, I feel bad about this.
Feel bad? For her?
This trunk is bigger than the size of my bedroom.
Let's go.
Nighty-night.
## Chills over me ##
## different from the rest ##
## I won't settle for Less ##
## hello ##
- ## won't take no ## - ## won't take no ##
## oh, baby ##
## from now on, you and I ##
## stood the test of time ##
## still you're on my mind always ##
- ## night and day ## - ## night and day ##
- ## oh baby... ## - whoa!
Honey! I love you!
Hey, eyes forward.
Look at her!
Hey, come back here.
## You know you are my life, girl ##
## crucial ##
## baby, you're the one ##
## crucial lovin'... ##
hi!
- ## Baby ## - ## crucial... ##
hey, hey, hey. Hey guys.
Wait up for a second. Why don't you guys go get some dinner?
I'm gonna get dessert. All right? Go, go.
Hi!
## Love is on the rise ##
## don't want to be alone ##
## I need to find someone ##
## I can call my own ##
## not just anyone ##
## oh no... ##
- here you go. - Thank you.
Guys, it's all set up.
I took care of everything.
They'll be here in a few minutes... one for each of us.
Dean, I will never doubt you again.
- I know you won't! - My dreams never get this good.
My fantasies never get this good!
And this is only the beginning!
- Whoo! - Whoa!
Les: Yeah, let's eat!
Sorry.
- Quick, roll up the windows! - Those asshoLes again.
CharLes, you spasticated idiot!
It was an accident! Roll up the windows!
Hey, my hamburger!
Give me my hamburger. Ow! Ow!
- Roll the window down. - No, keep it up!
- Roll it down! - No, keep it up!
Hey, come here!
- Hi! - God damn it!
- You can't leave now. What about the girls? - They're maniacs.
Archies, come back!
Come back!
I'm standing outside the gates of allied technologies
where a group of peaceful protesters are gathered to demonstrate against
the late-night transportation of military hardware through our streets.
Now, Jim, as you can see, there's a wide range of people here
- all singing and chanting... - I don't know.
I don't think this is such a good idea. Can we go home?
Look, dean, we're going home. And if you don't like it
you can jump out right here... wherever the hell we are.
Hey, that looks like my mom's Audi.
Holy shit! I think we're being invaded!
Here they come!
Come on!
Hey! No, no, not on my car! What are you doing?
My car! My car!
Hey, I know that guy!
He looks like my sister's boyfriend!
- Les? - Shit, my sister! Duck!
- What are you doing?! - Natalie, don't tell dad.
- I beg you! - You don't even have a license!
Natalie, don't tell dad!
All right, let's round these people up.
Cuff them and put them in the wagon.
Excuse me!
Shit.
As you can see behind me,
what started as a peaceful protest
has now mushroomed into a substantial demonstration.
It seems that tempers flared when executives
from allied technologies refused to speak to rep...
- Oh my god! - What was going on back there?
I don't know, but I値l tell you, this caddy sure can take a beating.
Not half the beating you'll get
unLess you clam up, dean!
Oh this is great. This is real classic.
CharLes: They must be checking for drunk drivers.
- Yeah, no shit! - Don't sweat it.
Think of your license as a credit card.
Sooner or later, you've got to break it in.
Pull over on the curb, right over there.
And what are you worried about?
We're sober. They're here to catch drunks, like that dick.
Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?
Take it easy.
License and registration.
License and registration, son.
Um, sir,
I forgot my license at home.
But um,
I could give you this.
All right, sit tight.
Why didn't you show him your license?
What was that thing you flashed in front of us at the house?
My school I.D.
Are you telling us that you left the house
on your first night out with a license without a license?
No, dean, I知 not telling you that.
Look, guys,
I failed my exam.
Both: You what?!
- Proper grammar is... - this punk doesn't even have a license.
All right, sir, what I壇 like you to do
is to try to walk this line here, all right?
- All right. - Pesky, come here.
You just keep walking. I'll be right back.
We have to call a wagon to pick this guy up.
This is going to go in our records.
We're gonna be locked up in a cell with men who've murdered and raped
and robbed convenience stores!
Will you take a pill or something? Will you just relax?
Nothing's going to happen to us. We're juveniLes.
Nice call, dean.
All right, Anderson, let's have a look inside the trunk.
Come on. I ain't got all night.
Come on! Come on!
Hi, how you doing?
What the hell is this?
My date?
We got to roll! There's a riot going on at allied tech!
You just got lucky, pal.
Let's go.
- Drunk: Excuse me, officer... - yes! Perfect!
See, Les, what did I tell you? Piece of cake!
Shut up, huh? Help me with her.
Do something useful in life, would you?
It looks like a line. Oh yeah.
Oh, Maserati.
Oh, this is much nicer than mine.
Keys?!
This chick is no paperweight.
- So where's our next stop? - There are no stops, dean.
We're going home.
Oh, I知 dead.
I'm so dead they're gonna have to bury me twice.
Let's go.
## Back on top in June... ##
looks like I知 in for the night.
## I said that's life... ##
- you can't take this car! - He took our car. We'll take his!
- ## But I don't let it get me down... ## - what a waste.
Now I知 swinging!
Go! Go!
## I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate ##
## a poet, a pawn and a king ##
## I致e been up and down and over and out... ##
where the hell am I?
- He's going left! - I see him!
All: Whoa!
- Where the hell's this guy going? - ## That's life... ##
yeah, go, Sammy!
Oh! Oh!
- Shit! - Don't worry about it.
I can fix that. It's only the right side.
## Each time I find myself ##
## laying flat on my back... ##
## I just pick myself up ##
## and get back in the race ##
## that's life! ##
my life's no bed of roses, that's for sure.
People are the problem. People pushing me around!
I don't care what you say to the guy, just get him to pull over!
The man is a drunk lunatic. Don't you think this is a little dangerous?
You're telling me about dangerous? Want to know what's dangerous?
Me going home and having to explain to my father
that this piece of shit is my grandfather's Cadillac.
Here he is, and you better talk to him.
- Be tough! - Excuse me, sir?
Sir, pardon me. Excuse me?
I believe there's been a slight mix-up here.
It seems you've mistakenly driven off with our car.
Thank you. Thank you very much. You're very kind.
- What the hell? - come on, get the juice- head to pull over!
Sir?
Les, he just vomited in your car.
Oh shit!
Whoo! What airline is this?!
Come on, go! Yeah!
- Come on! - Shut up, Deano!
Hey, check it out. Spongehead's actually driving straight.
What he do, sober up?
Holy shit!
- He's out cold. - Oh shit!
CharLes, you take the gas. Deano, you take the wheel. I'm going out there.
Wait a minute! No, Les, it's just a car!
You try telling that to my father!
- Be careful, Les! - Hold it steady!
- Dean, hold the car steady! - Come on.
Keep it straight, would you?
Shit.
Stop it.
- You're losing control. - Les!
Whoa!
I'm gonna fall! Deano!
- Get away! - Holy shit!
Shit! Whoa!
Deano! Whoa!
Mister!
Wake up, would you!? Come on.
Wake up! Please, wake up!
Will you get your hand off the goddamn...
shit.
Whoa! Deano, help!
Dean: We're losing him!
Hi, Les!
God, I hate drunk drivers.
What?! Oh no!
Watch the road, come on!
Oh shit!
No, no!
- Get out of the car! - You're stepping on my face!
Oh, you're alive! We thought you were dead.
Oh my god, did you see what you did?
Honey, I知 home!
- Who is this guy? - I don't know.
Who are you?!
Well, my friend, you're a little thief. Give me those keys.
Yes, but see, "friends don't let friends drive drunk. "
You call yourself a friend?
Look, you were incredible!
You are an animal. I mean, nobody's going to believe this!
Yeah, not too bad for a kid without his license, huh?
Les, I gotta tell you, license or no license,
that was one intense display of driving.
Yeah, and as far as a first night out
on the town with a car is concerned,
that one definitely sets the standard.
Thank god you don't get your license for a couple of months, buddy.
What are you going to tell sleeping beauty?
I don't know.
Shh.
- Good night, Les. - Yeah.
See you later, Les.
- Robert? - Mm?
This is it.
- That's nice, honey. - This is it.
I'm up! I'm up, I知 up!
Okay, do your breathing.
How far apart are the contractions?
Five minutes? Fine, plenty of time.
That dream was so bizarre, Les,
as if I was trapped in the trunk of a car.
And suddenly the trunk flipped open
and there you were rescuing me.
- So weird. - Sounds crazy.
Oh, I know it sounds unbelievable, but...
somehow you're always there to hold me
like you are right now.
I felt so safe and so warm.
I'm sorry I was such a sleepy - head tonight.
- You must have been so bored. - No, don't be silly.
Tonight for me was like non-stop action.
- When can we go out again? - Honestly, Mercedes,
tonight might be the last night anybody ever sees me alive.
Why? What happened?
It's a long complicated story.
You don't want to hear about it.
Does it have a happy ending?
Uh-huh, has so far.
Hopefully one day I値l get to tell you how it ends.
I'll be here.
Bye.
- Ow! - The baby?
No, the laces are too tight.
- Okay... - Robert!
Honey?
Oh wait, let me get my jacket.
- Where's my jacket? - Okay, okay.
- Okay. - Oh, I forgot the bag.
It's okay. I'm gonna wait here.
- Okay. - Okay, calm down, honey.
- You okay? - Yeah, I知 fine.
- Ow! Another one. - Oh no. Okay.
Okay. Yeah. Put your arm on me.
Oh man.
Here we go.
- Uh-oh. - what? What?
- What? - Gosh, I知 fine.
- Sorry, I知 fine now. - What do you mean, you're fine?
I think it was air bubbLes from the pickle or something.
Are you sure? I mean, the car's right here.
I'm sorry. I'm fine.
Why is the garage door open?
Natalie probably left it open.
No, honey, Natalie took the Audi.
- Where the hell is the Audi? - Ow.
Robert!
- What the... - Robert!
Honey, keep breathing!
Whoa! Whoa!
Something wrong with your bed, Les?
Mind explaining what size shark was responsible for this?
- Well... - no, I don't want to know!
I don't want to know. Save it for the judge.
Do you have any idea what you've done tonight, Les?
What this means to your future
in this house and on this planet?
- I have an idea. - No, you can't possibly!
You can't even begin to imagine!
We had a college fund set aside for you.
That's gone now.
You had free room and board,
two trusting parents and a social life.
It's all gone.
You had a TV, a stereo, a baseball mitt,
a tennis racket, a skateboard,
a bicycle... all gone!
You even had sunlight and a window in your room.
Robert!
Let me tell you something, buddy boy,
you are damn lucky your mother didn't go into labour tonight.
Robby, I am in labour!
Damn lucky! What?!
Honey, you okay?
- How far apart are the contractions? - I don't know.
You don't know? Is it one minute, two minutes?
- How close? - Too close.
No handle!
No handle. No handle.
Okay, honey, we'll be in a hospital in a minute.
- Sit down. Watch your head. - Oh Robert.
- Come in the backseat with me. - No, I can't.
- I have to drive. - Les can drive.
What? Les who? Not that Les.
No, he stays here. Rudy, you drive.
- Rudy, get in the car! - Dad?
Dad, let me drive.
I can do it, dad.
Robert, please stay with me. I need you.
- Dad? - Okay, you drive.
But try and do it like you have a license!
Let me open the door!
Ew! It smells like puke in here!
Shut up, Rudy.
- What are you doing?! - Sorry, it's a red light.
Are you crazy? There isn't car in sight.
We're rushing your mother to the hospital, not to a bridge game!
Come on, go through it. Go through it.
What are you doing? Come on!
I'm pushing the gas. It ain't moving.
Sounds like the transmission. Try another gear.
- Come on, try low. - Mom?
Don't worry, I知 just having a baby.
- What was that? - Reverse works, dad.
Honey?
Let him drive backwards.
Let him drive sideways, I don't care.
Just get me there!
All right.
- But be careful. - I will.
- The baby? - No, the golf clubs.
Oh, okay.
Go right! No, left!
No, go right! No!
What are you doing? Get off the sidewalk!
Okay, that's it. I'm driving. Pull over.
- Look out! - Hold it!
What are you doing? Les, you're going the wrong way!
Look out! Where'd you people learn to drive?
Okay, we're good.
Huh?
Ha ha!
Ow! God!
Anderson! Goddamn car!
- How are you, honey? - I'm wet.
Slow it down here, buddy! Hey, stop!
Stop! Stop!
Stop!
- This is it, okay. - Woman in labour!
Come on, honey, we're here.
Woman in labour! Woman in labour!
Come on, honey. Okay, okay.
Keep breathing. Keep breathing.
- Robert... - come on!
- Mom? - Ow!
Be careful, she's in labour. Rudy, go with mom.
I'll be right there, honey.
Come here. I want to talk to you.
Come here. Come here.
Come here.
Where did you learn to drive like that?
- I... I guess last night, dad. - Yeah?
Must have been one hell of a crash course.
Look, don't worry about grandpa.
The damage isn't that bad.
We'll get the car fixed, maybe he won't notice.
It's slipping! Look out, the beam!
- Stand clear! - Shit!
I'm losing it. Look out!
Hello?
- Anybody home? - It's grandpa.
What are you gonna tell him, dad?
The truth could kill him. But I guess he's getting king of old.
What's everybody sweating about?
He's been away a long time.
- He'll want to come in, relax. - Damn it, open up!
He hasn't seen the twins yet.
I know my father.
The last thing he's going to be worried about is his car.
- Hi, dad. - Where's my caddy?
Les did it! It was Les. I didn't...
what in the hell is that?
- Uh... - hey, um...
son of a bitch!
What in the hell is that?!
It's your car, grandpa.
- Dad? - What is it? Grandpa?
What's the matter?
Dad, what is it? Why are you laughing?
Here, I had a little trouble with your car too.
My BMW?
- Son of a bitch! - Yo!
Les, you know how you said
when you got your license you wanted a BMW?
Well, here you go. It's all yours.
Take good care of it.
Thanks, dad, that's very generous of you.
But I don't need the BMW anymore.
Les!
I already have a Mercedes.
Don't wait up, guys!
## Get outta my dreams ##
## get into my car ##
- ## get into my car ## - ## get out of my dreams ##
## get in the backseat, baby ##
- ## get into my car ## - ## beep beep, yeah ##
- ## get outta my mind ## - ## get outta my mind ##
- ## get into my life ## - ## ooooh ##
- ## oh I said hey ## - ## hey ##
- ## you ## - ## you ##
## get into my car ##
## oh, baby ##
## lady driver ##
## let me take the wheel ##
## smooth operator ##
- ## touch my bumper ## - ## bumper ##
## hey, let's make a deal ##
## make it real ##
## like a road runner ##
## coming after you ##
## just like a hero ##
## outta the blue ##
## I値l be your non-stop lover ##
## get it while you can ##
## your non-stop miracle ##
## I知 your man ##
## get outta my dreams ##
## get into my car ##
## get outta my dreams ##
## get in the backseat, baby ##
- ## get into my car ## - ## beep beep, yeah ##
- ## get outta my mind ## - ## get outta my mind ##
- ## get into my life ## - ## oooh ##